There & Back Again: Healing the Wounds of a Toxic Relationship
Here’s how the pathogenic poison became the very vitalising medicine I needed.
In the era of New Age spirituality that embodies love and light, positive vibrations and pervasive inner peace, one may be tempted to gloss over or bypass the deep, dark and destructive shadows of the psyche. We may be enticed to affirm to ourselves that we don’t want the drama, or that we certainly don’t want that ‘negative energy’ in our lives, when it comes to acknowledging the darkness or intricacy of toxicity.
Additionally, we may consciously tell ourselves that we have standards, and deserve the best, in relationships, or that we will not accept or tolerate abusive behaviour. Our core beliefs may, however, be in conflict with these affirmations; we may become so enmeshed in a toxic bond that we lose sight of what it was like to be empowered and emotionally emancipated.
And if we do experience the above, perhaps, we try to justify the toxic or abusive behaviour, by rationalising it with these inner rhetorics:
He* is a beautiful person at the core.
He didn’t mean it in that way.
Maybe I did something to upset him.
Maybe I just need to hold space and love him through it.
*feel free to alter the pronouns accordingly, to help you resonate more authentically with the experience.
We may even blame ourselves for their incessant emotional outbursts, gaslighting or anger issues. While no person is entirely flawless, this is an erroneous view; their reactions and triggers are simply not your fault.
Healing, however, is imperative, and it is your responsibility to know yourself, heal yourself and champion yourself. It is not your duty to save the other. It is certainly not your role to give someone the power to break you into shards, in the hopes that perhaps, they will take the scattered pieces to fix themselves.
1. To Reiterate, It’s Not Your Fault
When you value self-awareness and accountability, it can be tempting to assume the blame for the toxicity. While you undoubtedly may have your own more subtle virulent traits, this does not justify everything you have endured.
Maybe if I were kinder, sweeter, softer or more transparent, he would not have been triggered. Maybe he wouldn’t have called me a slut or whore, pulled my hair, and thrown me outside the room… if I hadn’t met my male friend for coffee after studying, without telling him first. After all, I told him I was going to the cafe to study… Did I lie to him?
The truth is, regardless of what I did or did not do; regardless of what I said, or did not say, I now truly know that I did not deserve such malignant treatment. I now understand, to my core, that my degree of inner work and accountability simply could not neutralise or overcompensate for his lack of willingness, or awareness, to do the same.
2. Sharpen Your Self-Awareness
Recognise the patterns within yourself, or the circumstances and beliefs, that kept you enchanted, enmeshed or entangled in the toxic relationship. Naturally, there are a multiplicity of reasons for this, ranging from financial dependency and fear of upsetting the familial life, to confidence depletion, and emotional entwinement and co-dependency.
If you are emotionally dependent, contemplate the following:
Are I believing the stories that he is telling me?
Am I assimilating his perceptions of me?
Am I allowing his words to build, shape and sculpt my self-image?
At the peak of my toxic enmeshment, I heard much criticism about my character. He told me that I was a spiritual fraud and a horrible person, and queried how I could have such ‘negative energy’ after visiting the Dalai Lama’s temple. He compared me to his ex-girlfriend. He also called me a whore on several occasions, alongside other salacious and vulgar terms.
Finally, he affirmed that no one would ever love me the way that he did. These incidents hurt me far more deeply than any instances of physical abuse or threats, for they cut right through to my identity, creating a sense of not being positive or ‘pure’ enough.
I was unconsciously taking his words to heart; allowing his warped view of me to define how I perceived myself. The reality is that I could not change the words that came out of his mouth. But what does lie in my hands, is what I choose to accept, assimilate or believe.
In hindsight, I know that I can discard what does not resonate with my being; what has little to no basis in reality. The combative words and actions are often reflections of the violence the aggressor holds within them themselves, towards themselves.
When you are rooted in the essence of who you are and have met, befriended and embraced your truth, you will not be shattered by the callous criticism or manipulative tactics of others. KNOWING THYSELF truly is key, as is skilfully navigating through people-pleasing tendencies, or feelings of not being enough.
3. Embrace Forgiveness
Forgiving the aggressor is not the core focus here.
Forgiving yourself is.
You need to forgive yourself for the ‘should haves’, ‘could haves’ and ‘what ifs’.
You need to forgive yourself for overlooking those blood-red flags.
You need to forgive yourself for ‘not knowing better’, or knowing better, but not waving the white flag.
You need to release all the judgement, weight and self-blame you were carrying. And finally, you need to forgive yourself for staying for ‘longer than you should have’, even if there were no physical or financial restrictions constraining you to this toxic bond.
Ultimately, you need to realise that there is not much to really forgive yourself for. Amidst the codependency and trauma bonds, you were likely also acting from states of love, attachment, hope and care. And you should not shame yourself for opening your heart.
Secondarily, if you can extend this forgiveness to the aggressor, it can also very therapeutic, cathartic and optimal for your own inner wellbeing. Empathetic people also understand the various genetic and environmental circumstances and conditions, that can contribute to the development of psychological or personality disorders, or irrational emotive outbursts.
This compassionate understanding should not, however, eclipse your wisdom to the degree that you believe that you should continually endure this suffering.
4. Grieve
When confiding in close friends about my erratic toxic relationship, I often heard these several comments like a record, on repeat:
“Why did you stay with him?”
“What is it about him that kept you going back?”
“You must be so relieved that it’s over…”
Yes, of course, ending things with him did release a weight from my shoulders. It was, in many ways, like leaving behind an extra backpack on a hike. You thought the items were essential, but then you realise that your needs are different now, from when you first packed for the hike. You shed the anxiety, and realise that you were carrying far more than you needed to.
Nonetheless, grieving the relationship is crucial. As Dr. Nicole Lepera (The Holistic Psychologist) states, “Toxic connection is still connection”. There was a range of depth, feeling and intensity, albeit channeled in inimical outlets.
While it may have, in many ways, been an unhealthy relationship, there were many beautiful moments, treasured memories and deep belly laughs. There was vulnerability and openness. Comfort, connection and tenderness.
When we broke up, I did not only lose a lover. I lost (what felt like) a best friend too.
5. Find Hobbies That Light You Up
While introspection and deeply knowing yourself is vital in this journey,
so is losing yourself.
Lose yourself in the flow of an enjoyable hobby.
Do something that beckons you to temporarily forget about time.
Something that permits you to shift your focus from the scars of your wounds, to your reservoirs of resolution and rejuvenation.
Something that, perhaps, entices you to go beyond your identity, suffering and story, if only for a few tender moments in time.
For me, that was (and is) committing to deepening my relationship with solidified interests (yoga and meditation), and embracing new skills (learning Farsi). A great deal of wisdom, clarity and stability is derived from my yoga and meditation practices, while attempting to learn a new language gives me a sense of dynamism and accomplishment.
Additionally, I also give myself space to turn my music up, on full blast, and dance around the house, allowing the creative physical expression of any pent-up energy within me.
And, finally, here I am. Writing about it. Doing my utmost to bring my story, unveiled, to life, in the sheerness of transparency.
6. Tell Your Story
Tell your story. Not simply because it is a story worth sharing, but also for your own psychological and emotional relief. Tell it to a friend, therapist, or someone that you feel comfortable and secure in the presence of. If you are not ready for that, tell it to a journal. Or through poetry.
Here’s a poem I wrote to describe the tumultuous uncertainty and feelings of being ‘trapped’ and stagnant, within the push-and-pull oscillations of my toxic relationship:
I gazed at you
Beneath the night sky
As you ascended that staircase
With an aura of moonlight
I was grounded
Stable
Steady
But those spiral stairs were shaky
I watched you go on
My feet, firmly rooted
Then, you turned round —
Looked me in the eyes
“Are you coming up?”
I hesitated.
Mused.
Deliberated.
Beneath the silence of the shadow sky
Until words could leave my lips
Once more
“We’ve been up there before…
Don’t you remember?”
Ah. Perhaps not.
For you did not fall.
You gave a bittersweet smile,
“This is not the same staircase.
You know that.”
Maybe not.
But was the ascent less delicate?
You see, I’d missed a step.
Lost my balance.
Fallen hard.
And you’d carried on
Our steps, out of rhythm
And you never looked back
To see
The bruises
That you left me
For I must confess…
I lost my balance,
Because you pushed me.
Was the fault in our steps
Or in the stairs?
For it sure was not
In the stars.
“What lies beyond the staircase?”
I desired to know
“A kind of paradise,”
You swiftly replied
“A place where the birds fly free,
And the flowers grow wild”
And so, I took your hand
For the journey above
Eyes wide open
But still so blind
For you did not know
Of the world beyond
How could either of us know?
When we are still on those same stairs
Stuck in Bardot
A place between life and death,
Where no flowers grow.
7. Empower Yourself
At the end of the day, you are the co-creator of your reality. If you had the means or will to leave a toxic relationship, there will likely be raw and gushing wounds to sterilise, or lingering residue to extract. You may lack a sense of clarity and confidence, or feel drained and emotionally exhausted. Give yourself the space, time, patience and compassion to authentically feel and witness whatever thoughts, feelings and emotions arise.
You need to gently, but boldly and unabashedly, remind yourself that you are your own greatest adventure; that it is your mission to seize back your power. Self-love and self-care are NOT selfish — they are pivotal in guiding you to a perspective of optimal wellbeing and balance. Connect with healers, resources and materials that support your growth, cultivate your confidence and expand your perspective exponentially.
I listened to various teachings from Dr. Shefali Tsabury and Maryam Hasnaa, and read Najwa Zebian’s ‘Welcome Home’ to help me navigate through the journey of choosing empowerment over enmeshment.
Essentially, I share my story not for the sake of aiming blame, or desiring pity. I share it as a means of catharsis and hope — there IS not just light at the end of the tunnel, there is a green oasis of rebirth and rejuvenation, with invigorating and thirst-quenching water.
While I do not believe that one should actively seek out toxic relationships for the purpose of transmutation, in my case, I extracted the purpose from the poison; the remedy from the ruination; the meaning from the mayhem.
I not only learnt the vitality of self-love, self-awareness and healthy space and boundaries, I understood and assimilated them into my life.
And now, like a bird, I fly free, toward ever-expansive horizons and soft, forgiving blue skies. For never again, will I give anyone the rusted blades to slice my wings.
Emotional abuse is not something few and far between — in the US, almost 50% of all women and men have endured psychological aggression by an intimate partner. Physical abuse is also not infrequent — nearly 29% of women and 10% of men in the US have reported experiencing physical violence, rape or stalking by a partner.
If you wish to speak to someone about your situation, reach out to the Crisis Text Line, for support:
